A Tribute to My
Family
-
Aparna Subramanian
I write this with a heavy
heart and numbness that had taken over me. This pandemic second wave has
created a storm in my family and I have lost my paati, thaatha and two dearest
chithappas. The very people who filled up my Dad’s place after he passed away
when I was just 11 years.
Every loss was a quick blow to
the heart like a fresh wound being ripped open. The pain of those you love suffering
right in front of your eyes in the hospital. I remember holding paati’s hands
when she was in her last breath and tell her that Muthulakshmi means Strength
and my paati is the strongest person in this world. Then she gasped for air,
doctors sent me out and she died within minutes.
My paati was the strongest person
I know. She always has and will ever be my pillar of strength and had always
told me to stay strong no matter what. She said cry if you must for a few
moments and then pick up yourself and go back to do what you started. She hated
to leave things incomplete but how did she have the heart to leave me
incomplete. Her death had us shaken and before we recovered from it came a big
blow in the form of my thaatha’s death two days later. Paati was his strength
without her he couldn’t or didn’t want to survive. I had promised him to take
care of the family and responsibilities and was holding his hand and chanting
God’s name during his last moments. His death left me broken inside but I
refused to break down because I promised him to take care of the family. Just a
day before his death we had admitted my first chithappa – Suresh also known as
Krishnan in covid block. He was 62 years old and with not much of comorbidities
but severe lung infection. His SPO2 level was dipping so we admitted him as
soon as possible. He was admitted in ICU because he was unstable in oxygen
level and he was heartbroken and very attached to his mother. We expected him
to recover and come back home in a week’s time but turn of events he was put on
ventilator within 3 days of his admission. He was a person who used to create a
huge fuss when he fell ill usually but not this time ever since my grandparent’s
hospital admission. He passed away within 3 days of grandpa’s death.
I regret that I let him die alone
and was unable to be with him and hold his hand when he had to die. I should
have fought with the hospital to let me in and see him despite the fact he was
covid positive and was in ICU or ventilator. His death shook us badly and we
were dazed trying to even grasp it.
Blow after blow we felt hit by a
storm and our family was going away too soon like a set of dominoes. On the day
of grandpa’s death we had to rush to admit my sister in the covid ward and she
was the only person in the family to come back home safely in a week’s time.
But she is yet to recover fully from the after effects of it and the grief and
pain of back to back deaths.
My youngest chithappa – Mahesh also
known as Kalyanraman came along with chithi to Chennai from Delhi on April 14th
– the day paati died. He lost his parents and elder brother within a week and
was in great anguish and grief. He tested positive for covid and was in home
quarantine. Grieving after feeling orphaned by parents and brother along with
Covid quarantine was the worst combination in life. He was mildly affected at
first, his blood tests were normal, temperature was 100 or 101, good SPO2 and
his lung infection was only 4%. Doctors started him with their course of
medicines but still his temperature went to 103, 104 and over the weekend his
lung infection went upto 44%. His symptoms worsened, blood results indicated
high infection and his SPO2 dipped. We rushed him to a hospital and admitted
him in COVID block. Four days he was in room with Oxygen support and had to be
shifted to ICU for heavier oxygen support but ICU wasn’t available. Chithappa
was alone, tired, afraid and was unable to even sleep. For his peace of mind we
shifted him to Omandurar multi speciality hospital. On the day we shifted him he
seemed to be happy in a ward with lot of people around. So I was sure he was getting
better and will get back home soon. He seemed okay for a couple of days. Had to
shift him to ICU ward within the same hospital. The experience of being in a
private hospital is very different in a govt hospital despite the facilities. In
the beginning I was uncomfortable with being exposed to atleast another 20 odd
covid patients and their attenders who stayed close by. Later started accepting
that too for his peace of mind and recovery which was our priority. The last
four days of his life, he fought the disease, the mental trauma so much. He
fought so much like a warrior. I am pained by many relatives and friends who tell
me that I must have asked him to fight harder. Do you even know what he was
going through?
My dear chithappa was the bravest and
he fought so hard. I strongly believed that he will come back recovered and
kept saying him that. He told me minutes before his death that I don’t want to
die. I can never forget his face, his desperate look of helplessness, his worry
to take care of us, his concern and care for Chithi even in the last moments.
He refused to stop fighting even to take a little rest and sleep for sometime.
I was holding his hands and telling him that I understand that he felt lot of responsibilities
had been added on his shoulders and that he must not worry about it. I promised
him to take care of his responsibilities and care for everyone he wanted to
take care of. With one look of desperate helplessness he let go of the fight
and started sleeping. He never woke up after his sleep. Myself and chithi were
the two people who saw what he went through, how much he wanted to live and how
hard he fought it. He would signal with his hands that his lungs are squeezing
him. We are still unable to get over the trauma of his sufferings along with
sufferings of thaatha, paati and Suresh chithappa.
Usually when we grieve over the
loss of a dear one we would miss them and remember all the happy memories with
them. But here we are unable to forget their sufferings and are very pained by
those people who hurt us by saying he or she should have fought harder.
At this time in my life, my life
feels empty. I have lost the family that thought for me, prayed for me and prayed
for my happiness always. I feel like I have lost my Dad 5 times in the form of
my grandparents and dear chithappas. I dont feel religious nor positive. I
request you not to burden me with your gyaan on praying to God despite the situation
or accept fate advise and move on advise. I know that we will come to term with
acceptance soon but please give us time and space to get over the trauma first
and then go through the various stages of grief.
I want to miss each of my family
member for their unique personality traits and good memories of them and get
over the feeling of helplessness to see them die in front of your eyes.
I am sure many of you cant even
imagine the amount of pain and trauma that happens in a Covid Ward or Covid ICU
ward. The struggle of your loved one who doesn’t want to die but the disease is
forcing him to.
To the curious ones: Myself, mom
and chithi tested covid negative and haven’t developed any symptoms so far.
I understand the Kubler – Ross grief
cycle stages namely: Denial => Anger => Bargaining or Struggling to find
meaning => Depression => Acceptance. But it takes lot of time to get to
the acceptance stage. Though we are heartbroken, angry and frustrated at the
moment we will get to the acceptance stage in sometime. We shall rise back
again.
Signing off with a powerful
quote:
“Understanding is deeper than
knowledge. There are many people who know you, but very few who understands you
or your situation.”
Regards,
Aparna Subramanian
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