Musing on Life Series 17 - Grief

 

Grief

Have you heard the saying "Grief is the last act of love we give to our loved ones. Where there is deep grief there is deep love." 

 Did you know that grief is an experience and not a process?? Grief is a rollercoaster of emotions where love is predominant while other emotions like Sadness, Anger, Guilt, Anxiety, Confusion, Frustration, Numbness, Resentment, Yearning, Envy, Hope,Gratitude do play a part in overwhelming you. 

 With each passing year you think you are growing to be less affected by grief but each year is a journey of courage, battles, love, gratitude yet a strong sense of loss & void. 

When a loved one passes away there are layers or many aspects of grief:

v  One is the loss of the person

v  Second is a sense of identity attached to the person and your relationship with him / her

v  Third is a depth and intensity of your love

v  Fourth is a deep connection with the loved one that exists in sorrow

v  Fifth : There is a secondary loss in terms of your support system, financial stability, home, dreams, hope. 

v  Sixth: You question your faith in God and does God exists kind of questions. You loose a part of yourself, your identity, sense of belonging, relationships and in some cases your self worth too. 

v  Seven: And finally at the deepest point of grief you find great strength and resilience to move forward.

At one point you realize that grief is not something you can take control of but something you surrender to. Through your grief you let love to flow freely, for healing to unfold and for deeper connections to form. 

 Love is always in the essence of who you are, the force that keeps you grounded in the face of suffering and the energy that pushes you towards growth and transformation. Love is not something you seek but something you find within you, always present even in the most painful dark times and transformative moments too. Grief instead takes away & love helps you to rediscover it in pure and unconditional form. 

 Accepting death with love means you embrace truth of uncertainty & experiences you have no control of. The concept of death and celeberating of life especially when death is unexpected makes it harder to live up and believe. The heartbreak that follows death comes from a place of deep love that it pains so much. You hurt so much because you truly loved the person who passed on without you. You shouldnt allow this pain to stop you from holding onto life with a grateful heart. 

 ‘Rich in loss’ is a metaphor that means it is a state of being deeply knowledgeable or experienced especially in the face of hardship, adversity and loss. Loss can be a catalyst for growth leading to a deeper understanding of yourself and the world around you. 

 The void of loss can be overwhelming at times. Many a times grief changes you. You are not the same person who you used to be. As you struggle and learn through the void and learn to adapt to live without those who passed on you change yourself. 

 Allowing yourself to express anger and lament in early grief offers psychological benefits that can aid in the healing process. Allowing yourself to express anger helps you to process complex feelings and begin to confront the reality of loss. If you express the anger it can help to prevent bottling up emotions which can lead to prolonged and complicated grief. 

 Here is an excerpt from a beautiful poem:

 Fear not the tremble of hands

Grief, raw as iron struck red in the forge,

is not softened by silence, nor stilled by polite nods,

it erupts – fire in the heart’s quiet chamber –

burning with questions, cutting through fog.

For grief is more than sorrow, a deeper rage

at a world turned cold, that dare not yield

to the polite comforts, the softened sighs,

but roars at absence, demanding to feel.

Anger sharpens our sorrow, gives it weight,

a fierce testament to love’s deep scar,

a howl that shatters the pretence of calm,

declaring loss with a voice unbarred.

Let us not fear the tremble of hands,

the raw, unbidden tears that break

through our masks, these brittle walls,

for anger too is a holy ache.

It is a memory, an indignant vow

that love was real, that we will not erase

the fury of loss, the burn of despair,

nor will we hide what should be faced.

So mourn with untempered, furious grace,

let the heart unclench its tightly held song,

for in rage we honour what cannot be spoken—

and find, at last, where we belong.

Donald Macaskill

It has been 

a.26 years since my father passed away 

b. 4 years since my thaatha, paati and chithappas passed away 

 c. 209 days since my father in law passed away

Though I dealt with 6 major losses of loved one yet each loss is unique and each was different. How you grieved for past losses is not an indicator of how you will grieve in the future. Grief has no timeline though you expect it to be linear but pain tends to hit you in waves and ebbs. Suddenly you remember something from the past and you miss the person and it hits you deeply.  

Yet the void is still there. Only the hope that the 6 of them who were important pillars in my life will guide and take me on the right path. Yet I miss each of them terribly but yet have learned to be resilient and try to live my life the way they would have wanted me to. 

"Grief has only two stages : who you were before and who you are after"

I lost my father during my childhood, void was there in childhood, teens and life events. But my grandparents and chithappas were there during some life events. Still missed them all terribly in my sister’s wedding.

The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not get over the loss of loved one, you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered.

You will be whole again but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same nor would you want to!

Regards,

Aparna S