The Life Changing Loss!

 

On Oct 6^th 2024 we lost you, its been over a month. Still not been able to deal with the shock of your death and the gaping hole you had left us with.

No words to say! Just shock and regret!! I wish I was there during your last moments. I cant imagine how the last few minutes would have been. So many of us are there for you but none of us were there with you at that moment. Your death shocked and shook not only us but all relatives, neighbours and friends.

The scenarios of what if only and how it could have happened is something all of us are still reeling in.

Appa, I miss the early morning coffee conversations with you from business to politics. You had been my pillar of support right from day 1. When I wanted to start my own consulting firm, I first asked only you “Appa, I want to explore my full potential, shall I start my own consulting firm. You immediately said Yes, go ahead. I will support you in whatever way I can.”

I miss your childlike enthusiasm when we discuss a business plan or a growth plan. You always used to encourage me and had always encouraged us to work harder to reach great heights.

Whenever I share some tough situation at a client place or a difficult conversation with a potential client you were the one to teach me how to speak to a client, how not to speak, how to remember names of people you meet, you taught me how to read between lines of legal clauses. Whenever I was frustrated or was the at the point of giving up you gave me new perspective to look at it and you used to always tell me that “Every road is paved with gold!”

Each of us miss you in our way yet the love & affection for you is strong in our heart. I miss the early morning coffee discussions I always looked forward to. Appa, preparing coffee or drinking it isn’t the same without you. You used to wake by 2.30 or 3a.m., do meditation, reiki and protect us even while we are sleeping. Now we have lost the protective circle you built around us. Many a times we are lost, feel like we are wading through darkness as we lost our guiding light. I know that you have moved to a different world yet plz be our guiding force and take us forward.

In my head I imagine you visiting us in the early mornings or late nights to see how we are all doing without you. A couple of times I spoke out loud to you hoping you will hear and reply back. Why did you have to go so early? Didn’t you keep saying you will live till you celeberate your 90^th birthday.

 I miss the childlike excitement you show for little things. If I wake up even half hour or an hour before usual you used to get excited for it. I miss your happiness in little things like looking at the floor and admiring how clean it is after moping. After cleaning a ceiling fan you admire it throughout the day to enjoy how clean and how good the airflow is after cleaning. I miss your excitement until an ordered product is delivered and your happiness of using the new product. We miss the way you used to laugh and enjoy everything Ridhish does and you used to be so proud of how he used the right words in the right place. Appa, we really wish you were there to see him grow up and we miss the love and conversation between both of you everyday. We miss your happiness when you relish the dish or sweets or savouries cooked and enjoy it. I don’t know if we can really feel happiness completely without you as any good news don’t feel good without you.

You had a way of connecting with all relatives through good morning messages. You used to painstakingly forward good morning quotes to a few people everyday, every week to some and every month to some. Your intention was to stay connected and in touch all relatives, business connects near and far. I told you that I will create broadcast lists for you on whatsapp so that you can just send the message once and it will go to all in their personal window. But you said “no not needed. If you create the list I will forget whom all I am sending to. I scroll through my contact list every day. There are some people I call out of blue just to say a hello and ask them how they are doing.” 

Appa, I am sure they are missing you and your positive quotes everyday like all of us.

You treated everyone with respect irrespective of who they were and what work they do. It is not only to relatives and friends. You treated everyone with respect right from milkman, electrician, servicemen, auto / cab drivers & any roadside vendors.

There is a quote “The broken will be able to love harder than most. Once you have been in the dark, you learn to appreciate everything that shines”. I had lost my dad when I was 11 years old and had missed calling as Appa. But after my wedding, calling you as Appa was one of the best things that ever happened to me. I called you as Appa from my heart every single time and you also saw me as a daughter than a daughter in law. You were my support system after I lost my grandparents and chithappas in covid 2021. You gave me the strength and confidence to back to business after their death. You stood with us during our difficult times, guiding me every step of the way.

Whenever I was frustrated or feel stuck while solving clients challenges I used to discuss with you. You knew astrology, reiki, hypnotherapy, acupuncture so you gave me strength, hope and positivity connecting all of these. Raghav keeps telling me that you have taught us to be practical and look forward to life with hope and positivity. We strongly believe you will be around to keep guiding us from above.

You were the source of strength not only for us but for your cousins and friends. You gave hope, positivity and strength to all of us.  Appa, there is a lot of pain each day and night for us thinking and missing your presence.

Appa, I had been blessed to spend the last 8 years as your daughter in law. Thank you for all the kindness, positivity, strength & affection you had shown me over the years.  I think the “in law” part is just a formality. I hope to follow and practice your positive philosophy induced positive mindset, & it shall give us hope, optimism, courage and kindness. I shall try not to give in to negativity and hopelessness even in challenging situations.

Missing you Appa!!

Yours,

Aparna