Aparna's Musings on Life - Series 8 - Loss of a Loved One!!
Death changes nothing. You still miss the voice, the wisdom of advice, stories and experiences shared. No! Time doesn’t change anything. The hardest part of life is learning to live without the loved one you lost.
You are unsure which pain is worst –
the shock of what had happened or the ache for what never will happen.
Death
of a parent leaves a heartache no one can heal but their love leaves a memory
no one can steal!
The
pain of loss can be overwhelming. Grieving is a highly individual experience
and how you grieve depends on many factors like your personality, coping style,
your life experiences, your faith and your age at the time of loss of your
parent or any loved one. It is even more painful when it is a parent.
In
my personal experience, I lost my dad when I was 11 years old. Still the memory
of his death is fresh in my mind like it was just yesterday. The pain gets
better with time but when special occasions and life events are around the
corner I miss him badly. I sometimes still wish how life could have been if he
was still alive.
A
quote I remember about grief:
“Grief is like living two lives. One is where you pretend that everything is alright,
and the other where your heart silently screams in pain.”
If
you are experiencing any of these emotions following a loss, it may help to
know that your reaction is natural and that you’ll heal in time. However, not
everyone who grieves goes through all of these stages—and that’s okay. Contrary
to popular belief, you do not have to go through each stage in order to
heal. In fact, some people resolve their grief without going
through any of these stages. And if you do go through these
stages of grief, you probably won’t experience them in a neat, sequential
order, so don’t worry about what you “should” be feeling or which stage you’re
supposed to be in.
Though we say there are 7 stages of grieving. It is like the tip of the iceberg. You feel a surge of emotions in each stage. You have some okay days, some bad days and some life goes on days.
Though
faith that someone is in a better place or that you will see them again can be
a comfort, this does not remove the pain that the person is gone. It does
not change the trauma that can come from watching someone suffer from a
prolonged or painful illness. This does not eliminate the anger, blame,
guilt, regret or countless other feelings that can come up following a death.
It
is not that your grief and your faith should be separate. What is
important to remember is that the depth of your grief does not imply a loss of
faith.
Instead
of a series of stages, we might also think of the grieving process as a roller
coaster, full of ups and downs, highs and lows. Like a roller coaster, the ride
tends to be rougher in the beginning, the lows may be deeper and longer. The
difficult periods should become less intense and shorter as time goes by, but
it takes time to work through a loss.
“Grief is like the ocean; it comes in waves, ebbing and flowing.
Sometimes the water is calm and sometimes it is overwhelming.
All we can do is learn to swim. – Vicki Harrison”
How to get over Grief and loss:
While
grieving a loss is an inevitable part of life. There are ways to help cope with
the pain, come to terms with your grief, and eventually, find a way to pick up
the pieces and move on with your life.
1. Acknowledge your
pain.
2. Accept that grief
can trigger many different and unexpected emotions.
3. Understand that
your grieving process will be unique to you.
4. Seek out
face-to-face support from people who care about you.
5. Support yourself
emotionally by taking care of yourself physically.
1. Seek support for grief and loss
The pain of grief can often cause you to want to withdraw from others
and go into your shell. But having the face-to-face support of other people is
vital to healing from loss. Even if you’re not comfortable talking about your
feelings under normal circumstances, it’s important to express them when you’re
grieving. While sharing your loss can make the burden of grief easier to carry,
that doesn’t mean that every time you interact with friends and family, you need
to talk about your loss. Comfort can also come from just being around others
who care about you. The key is not to isolate yourself.
2.
Turn to friends and family members
Now is the time to lean on the people who care about you, even if
you take pride in being strong and self-sufficient. Rather than avoiding them,
draw friends and loved ones close, spend time together face to face, and accept
the assistance that’s offered. Often, people want to help but don’t know how,
so tell them what you need—whether it’s a shoulder to cry on, help with funeral
arrangements, or just someone to hang out with. If you don’t feel you have
anyone you can regularly connect with in person, it’s never too late to build new
friendships.
Accept that
many people feel awkward when trying to comfort someone who’s grieving. Grief
can be a confusing, sometimes frightening emotion for many people, especially
if they haven’t experienced a similar loss themselves. They may feel unsure
about how to comfort you and end up saying or doing the wrong things. But don’t
use that as an excuse to retreat into your shell and avoid social contact. If a
friend or loved one reaches out to you, it’s because they care.
3.
Draw comfort from your faith:
If
you follow a religious tradition, embrace the comfort its mourning rituals can
provide. Spiritual activities that are meaningful to you—such as praying,
meditating, or going to church—can offer solace. If you’re questioning your
faith in the wake of the loss, talk to a clergy member or others in your
religious community.
4.
Talk to a therapist or counselor:
If
your grief feels like too much to bear, find a mental
health professional. An experienced therapist can help you work
through intense emotions and overcome obstacles to your grieving.
5. Self Care:
Take
care of yourself both physically and emotionally. The stress of a loss can
deplete your energy reserves quickly. Face your feelings. You can try to suppress
your feelings but cant avoid it forever. In order to heal, you need to
acknowledge the pain. Trying to avoid feelings of sadness and loss only
prolongs the grieving process.
6.
Express
yourself creatively: Write about your loss in a journal.
If you’ve lost a loved one, write a letter saying the things you never got to
say; make a scrapbook or photo album celebrating the person’s life; or get involved in a cause or organization that was important to your loved one.
Memories….. Let them fill your mind, warm your heart and lead you through.
Signing
off with this beautiful quote by Elisabeth Kubler – Ross:
The reality is that you will grieve
forever.
You will not get over the loss of a
loved one, you will learn to live with it.
You will heal and build yourself
around the loss you have suffered.
You will be whole again but you will
never be the same. Nor should you be the same, nor would you want to!
Aparna Subramanian
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