Aparna’s Musings on Life – Series 3 - Reflection on Self – Identity

A few old friends have been calling me up recently, we chatted about lot of things – marriage, life, work, family. And there was one thing that was common in all of those conversations. You know what that was! Surprisingly most felt that their Self – Identity is lost.

Perhaps Echart Tolle said it best: “When you lose touch with yourself, you lose yourself in the world!”

And when it comes to losing touch with themselves, women seem to do that best especially when it comes to relationships and motherhood.  It is generally said that women lose track of what they believe in, what they stand for, what is important to them and what makes them happy! Women tend to do this because they happen to be in a relationship, marriage or parenthood.  Women merge their lives to the point where they have no life to back to, their entire world revolves around their spouse and kids! This is the reason why women tend to lose their identity and kind of face an identity crisis after a few years of getting lost there.

What is Self – Identity?

Self-Identity is a sum total of who you think you are, your strengths, your life experiences, your passion, your interests, your emotions and your core values.

 Ideally you need to ask yourself who am I! If your answer makes you realize your identity then you begin to respect & value yourself. Self – esteem refers to one’s evaluation of one self. Self – esteem increases confidence on one-self.

Typically self-identity covers memories, experiences, relationships, core value system, ethics and role clarity. All of us play various roles to each of our relationship and taking on a new role can cause confusion, doubts that question self – worth. 

 A woman is a daughter, sister, friend, cousin, grand daughter, wife, daughter in law, mother, aunt – periamma, chithi, athai for nephews and nieces and professional roles too.

Self identity is dynamic in nature. It changes with each challenge met and with every influence encountered. To discover your identity you need to question your purpose of life and your potential to achieve your purpose of life.

Author Neale Donald Walsch says “Your soul doesn’t care what you do for a living and when your life is over, neither will you. Your soul cares only about what you are being while you are doing whatever you are doing”.  “What is important in your life is what you decide is important and this decision will indelibly create who you are!”

Simon Sinek quotes “To live your life on purpose means you understand the direction you are heading but remain agnostic as to the route.” “Words may inspire but only ACTION creates change. Most of us live our lives by accident – we live life as it happens. Fulfilment comes when we live our lives on purpose.”

How to Discover Self – Identity?

First step is to look at yourself without the following filters:

·         without your job title

·         without a relationship – daughter of so and so, wife of so and so

·         without your passion – because passion tends to change over time

·         without your beliefs in religion, politics or ideologies

Second step is to look observe and reflect on

·               I am currently someone who (does this, thinks this, feels this, acts like this)

·             You can write your likes, dislikes, your favourite memories, your strengths, your weaknesses,         your feelings, your past life, what got you here, your characteristics, your wishes, your dreams.

·               Ask yourself some deep questions, think, feel and reflect on them deeply.

Questions can be :

1.      What makes you happy? What gives you long lasting happiness?

2.      Look back at your life, What made you happy as a child? What made you happy as an adolescent? What made you happy 5 years before? Does any of these things still make you happy? If some of them make you happy still then it is a part of who you are and they are markers of your identity.

3.      What are your goals in life – personal, career, business, family, learning, financial goals?

4.      How can you make the world a better place? If this is part of your identity it is better for you. It doesn’t have to be a great one like climate change or cancer cure. You can make the world a better place may be by planting a tree, make someone smile, raise a healthy kid and so on.

5.      What matters to you the most? What turned your life upside down – death of a loved one, failures, rejections, relationship breaks, financial loss? How do you think you have changed after that incident or event? Has it dwindled your confidence or has it made you stronger than before? Does it make you feel vulnerable?

6.      Do you feel you have lost your identity? Do you feel unworthy? Do you feel you are losing touch with your core values?

A person may have a self-schema based on any aspect of himself or herself as a person, including physical characteristics, personality traits and interests, as long as they consider that aspect of their self important to their own self-definition. One thing that you need to keep in mind is that whenever you violate your core values you feel your sense of self weakens.

You can always imagine an ideal self and work towards becoming the better version of yourself everyday. None of us are born in this life by chance, Each of Us Are Born With A Purpose! Find your purpose and live it!

Signing off with my favourite words of Pablo Picasso :

“The meaning of life is to find your gift. The purpose of life is to give it away”

Signing off,

Aparna Subramanian.